Your teen brings home a great grade, wins a spot on the team, or nails a performance — and your heart swells. You want them to know how proud you are.
But sometimes, after the “I’m so proud of you!” you notice something else: they seem more anxious, not less. They worry about “keeping it up,” and suddenly the win feels like pressure.
When praise starts to feel heavy
Teens can hear certain kinds of praise as a new standard they have to meet every time. For example:
- “You’re so smart.” (Now I have to be smart every time.)
- “You’re our star.” (What if I mess up — do I stop being the star?)
- “You always do so well.” (What happens the first time I don’t?)
The intention is love. The impact can be fear of failure — or of disappointing you.
Shift from labels to specifics
Instead of global labels, try noticing specific choices, effort, or character. For example:
“I saw how many times you rewrote that essay, even when you were tired. That focus and care really showed.”
This kind of praise:
- Connects your pride to things they can control (effort, attitude, persistence).
- Makes it safer to stumble — because your love isn’t tied to a perfect outcome.
- Teaches them what to repeat next time, without demanding the exact same result.
Keep wins separate from worth
Teens need to know that who they are matters more than what they achieve. You might say:
“I’m proud of what you did, and I’m even more proud of who you are — kind, thoughtful, and willing to try.”
Over time, this helps them build a sense of self that can survive both big wins and hard days.
A simple line that helps
The next time your teen has a big win, you might say:
“I’m really proud of this result, and I’m just as proud of the way you showed up and kept going. One moment doesn’t define you — it’s part of your story.”
It lets them enjoy the celebration without feeling trapped by it — and keeps the door open for honest conversations when things don’t go as well next time.