Few things are as frustrating as watching a bright teen stop turning in work, stop practicing, or say, “I don’t care” about things that used to matter.
It can look like laziness from the outside. Inside, it’s often a mix of disappointment, burnout, and fear of failing again.
Look for the hurt under the “I don’t care”
Teens sometimes use “I don’t care” as armor. If they decide it doesn’t matter, it hurts less when things don’t go well.
You might gently say:
“Part of me wonders if saying ‘I don’t care’ is your brain’s way of protecting you from feeling let down again.”
You’re not accusing them — you’re wondering alongside them.
Reconnect effort to their values, not yours
Motivation sticks better when it’s tied to what matters to them, not just what matters to you or to school. Try questions like:
- “What kind of future would feel good for you, even if it’s fuzzy?”
- “Is there anything school or this activity could help you with long-term?”
- “What would you want life to look like in a couple of years?”
Then, link small efforts now to that future, instead of to generic success.
Start with one tiny restart
When a teen feels behind, “catch up on everything” is too big. Together, pick one tiny restart:
- One missing assignment to submit.
- One email to a teacher or coach.
- One 15-minute practice block instead of an hour.
You might say:
“We don’t have to fix the whole semester tonight. What’s one small step you’d be willing to try this week?”
A simple line that helps
The next time your teen seems to have checked out, you might say:
“I know it looks like I just want you to ‘try harder,’ but what I really want is to help you feel less stuck. Let’s find one small step that feels possible for you.”
It shifts the conversation from blame to partnership — and that’s where motivation can slowly grow again.